Faith, Love, and the Red Flags We Pretend Not to See
Dating looks different now. The rituals have shifted; the expectations blur. For Bethany, 23 and freshly graduated, the horizon glows with hopeful symbols of adulthood a steady job, a marriage grounded in faith, a family she can raise in love and stability. But that path, so clearly drawn in childhood Sunday school stories, feels uncertain once you start walking it.
Modern dating is, in many ways, a negotiation with chaos. And for believers, it comes with an additional layer of tension trying to stay true to divine wisdom while navigating a world that often celebrates everything that stands in opposition to it. You might feel, at times, like the very structure of dating has been rewritten to test your convictions.
And yet, Scripture remains unwavering. Marriage, we’re reminded, is not a casual alliance but a sacred vow one man, one woman, joined in covenant. But every covenant has a beginning, and it starts, humbly enough, with dating.
Below are twelve red flags not as weapons of suspicion, but as instruments of discernment. Each carries a small invitation: to pause, to look deeper, and to let wisdom not infatuation guide the heart.
1. The Rush Toward Something That Hasn’t Ripened
If someone pushes you to move faster to label, to commit, to blend lives before you’ve truly seen one another take notice. Deception thrives in haste. The slower the unfolding, the clearer the view becomes. Time reveals what charisma can hide.
Hold fast to your convictions, especially when it comes to purity and emotional boundaries. Scripture is blunt here: “Flee from sexual immorality… whoever sins sexually sins against their own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Rushing intimacy is not romance; it’s recklessness dressed as passion.
2. When the Future Is a Blank Page
Someone who avoids talking about the future is, in effect, telling you they haven’t written you into it. Openness about hopes and direction isn’t just compatibility it’s honesty in its most practical form.
As Philippians 2:2 reminds us, true joy comes from being “like-minded… one in spirit and of one mind.” In marriage, your futures will merge. Begin that alignment early, before you’re bound by vows instead of choice.
3. The Shape-Shifter
Watch how they are when no one’s watching. Some people wear social masks so easily that you might only see their true face when they think it no longer matters.
See them among friends, among family, in crowds and in silence. If their personality shifts with every audience, ask yourself who they are when the curtain falls. James warns us that “a double-minded person is unstable in all their ways” and instability is no foundation for covenant love.
4. Avoidance of the Deep
There are people who can talk endlessly about everything except what matters. If your conversations hover around trivia while avoiding truth, that’s not shyness it’s a signal.
Money, time, faith, conflict, children, health, intimacy these aren’t “heavy topics.” They’re the scaffolding of life together. Better to wrestle with them now than drown in them later. “Speak truthfully,” Ephesians 4:25 urges, “for we are all members of one body.” Love cannot grow in silence.
5. Apathy Toward the Sacred
It’s easy to fall for someone who is kind, funny, or charming — but if their faith is a footnote instead of a foundation, something essential will always feel missing.
Pray together. Open Scripture together. See what happens when God enters the room. A person uninterested in the spiritual will eventually become uninterested in your soul. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers,” Paul writes (2 Corinthians 6:14). It’s not about judgment; it’s about alignment.
6. The Absence of Compassion
How someone treats the powerless reveals the truth of their power. Serve together at a shelter, a church event, anywhere that pulls both of you out of comfort and into need.
There, you’ll see what empathy looks like in action. “Love is patient, love is kind,” Paul says (1 Corinthians 13:4). But kindness isn’t sentiment; it’s a spiritual muscle. If they can’t serve, they can’t truly love.
7. When Frustration Turns to Fire
Everyone gets frustrated. But how a person handles small irritations often predicts how they’ll handle real conflict.
Build something together a shelf, a meal, even a weekend plan. Watch how they respond when things don’t go as expected. “Be slow to speak, slow to anger,” James 1:9 advises. Anger isn’t just loudness; sometimes it’s quiet control. Notice both.
8. The Ghost of Family
If months go by and you’ve never met their family or even heard more than fragments about them pay attention. Family isn’t just background; it’s the first mirror of love and conflict.
Spend time with each other’s families. Observe, don’t just visit. How they speak to their parents or siblings often foreshadows how they’ll speak to you years from now. “If we walk in the light,” John writes (1 John 1:7), “we have fellowship with one another.” Secrets thrive in darkness; fellowship needs light.
9. Disappearing Into Someone Else’s Image
You should never have to shrink to fit someone’s comfort. When you catch yourself editing your personality to keep their affection, you’ve already started erasing parts of yourself.
Let them see you unfiltered the unstyled hair, the quiet moods, the unguarded laughter. Inner beauty, Peter reminds us, “is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:3–4). Authenticity is not rebellion; it’s worship.
10. The Quiet Grip of Control
Love that controls is not love it’s possession. If someone wants to know your every move, or shapes your time and friendships under the banner of care, recognize it for what it is: fear disguised as intimacy.
God gives freedom, not captivity. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free,” Paul says (Galatians 5:1). Boundaries aren’t barriers; they’re sacred space.
11. The Self-Centered Monologue
A relationship that orbits only one person eventually collapses under its own gravity. If every story, every decision, every moment points back to them that’s not connection, it’s consumption.
Mutuality is a spiritual discipline. “Value others above yourselves,” Philippians 2:3–4 teaches. Love flourishes when attention circulates not when it’s hoarded.
12. The Money Mirage
Money talk might feel unromantic, but it’s a spiritual matter. The way someone spends, saves, or gives tells you volumes about what they worship.
If generosity flows, you can trust their heart. If it doesn’t, be wary. Set clear expectations about finances early who pays when, how decisions are made. “Honor the Lord with your wealth,” Proverbs 3:9 reminds us, because stewardship begins long before marriage vows are spoken.
The Covenant That Begins in Discernment
In Genesis 2:24, we’re told that “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” It’s a tender image unity as both sacrifice and fulfillment.
But that oneness cannot emerge from compromise of conscience. God orders our steps, yes, but He also calls us to walk wisely.
So pray quietly. Listen deeply. When something feels wrong, resist the urge to rationalize it as love. Discernment is not cynicism it’s reverence. It’s how you honor both yourself and the One who wrote your story long before you began to live it.
